Moving On...

This is a long post and one that is a bit personal. As most of you know though, there is very little I keep completely personal. Besides, I think I would have found comfort in reading something like this this week...to know it has happened to someone else. So, for all of my mommy friends with new babies or one on the way, maybe you will find comfort in this.

When Jace was born, I was faced again with the very personal decision to bottle feed or breast feed. For some, this is a very easy decision but for me, it was not. Some mother's make this decision because they are opposed to or in favor of one way or the other. Other's take many things into consideration when making the decision...and there are so many factors to consider if you are one of the mom's who fall into this category.

Being that breastfeeding did not go well with either Alexis or Logan, I was reluctant to even try it again; however, once Jace was placed into my arms for the first time and he immediately turned his head to nurse, I found myself full of emotions and in love all over again. How could I not give him the "very best?" So from that day forward, I have been nursing Jace.

Although it wasn't easy going the first 6-8 weeks, and there were many times I was ready to give up (thank you Angie and Patsy for all of your support and thank you Jadee for cheering me on), I was inspired by the challenge and addicted to the emotional bond with my baby...something only a mother and child can share. With every nursing session, Jace and I gradually developed the kind of relationship that I envied between mothers and nursing babies. I loved that it was something only I could do for him, I loved hearing that certain cry when he was hungry, and I loved every single time he smiled at me mid-feeding.

Returning to work was my greatest challenge. After 5 months of almost exclusively nursing Jace, at least 2 bottles a day were introduced at daycare and I began the endevour of pumping regularly. Luckily, a flexible schedule at work and much support from the building administrators, allowed me the time I needed every day to pump as needed. With being between 3 different buildings, I relied heavily on others to give up space for me and allow me some privacy. Let me tell you, there are MANY people who aided in my success--teachers who shared their rooms, the ladies I share office space with, my principals who gave up their own offices at times, and even the school psych who continued working while I pumped just around the corner in a bathroom (yes, a bathroom!).

Well after 8 months, I am saddened because Jace has decided to self-wean...if I can even call it "wean." It's more like he has completely stopped. He will not nurse at all, even after trying everything research has told me to try. He was very sick this month with ear infection, sinus problems, and strep throat. Drinking from a bottle was easier for him with a stuffy nose. It also decreased the amount of pressure on his ears and I could tell he was more comfortable doing so, so I guess I can't blame him. He seems content...and I am happy to say that I have enough milk stored in our freezer to last until he is one year old, but I am still so sad. After all of my hard work and dedication, I am disappointed. I am emotional and feel a level of rejection. It's like meeting a milestone that came way too early. My baby is growing up.

So at this time, we have moved on to bottle feeding and Jace and I are finding other ways to continue that sacred bond. Thankfully, he still likes to cuddle before and after each feeding...and as with my two older children, NO WAY am I going to teach him to hold his own bottle because that would just be too much independence for me!